My Project is So Fucked

In the last week, did one or more of these burst from your mouth?

  • I don't know what the fuck is going on here...
  • Where the hell is my app? Why isn't it done?!
  • Shit.
  • If I miss another month of revenue, ain't no one getting paid ever again!

All is not lost, hell no! Can you believe it's possible to...

Son of a bitch, tell me more!

I Can Unfuck Your Shit

Seriously.

When I join the team, I cut through the bullshit and right the ship.

How the fuck is that possible?

This is Fucking How

First thing’s first, I take the time to listen to you. I want to know what you’re building, why you’re building it, and what your goals are. If you’re looking to hire someone who won’t ask any questions or won’t challenge you to make your project better along the way, you don’t want me. I want to make, I NEED to make your project the best it can be. You look good, I look good. I need that, because you’re gonna get rich, but I gotta find the next gig so I need to brag “I knew them when…” and show off your app.

I work with your existing tech team and I make sure I understand what’s been done so far. If they’re no longer around, I can do a lot of reverse engineering to figure out where we’re at. I only want to learn from the past, not get bogged down by it.

Finally, I create a plan to finish the project. This includes a summary of what’s been done so far, what we can salvage, what needs to be replaced, roughly how long it could take, and what it might cost. For areas that I’m not familiar with, I’ll help you connect with the right people to do those things.

Also, notice how I bolded some shit, just in case you didn’t really want to read? Yeah, I know you.

Why Me?

Pic of Aaron Here’s an old ass picture of me. I don’t have time to do any new Glamour Shots. They say to put a picture to make myself look real and build trust. Clearly, a robot could not have picked this picture to make you trust me.
  • Been doing this nearly 20 years. Younger me fucked up other projects, so now I don’t fuck up yours!
  • Specialist in open source tech like Javascript, PHP, Vue, Laravel and a whole bunch of other shit that nerds use to build cool things
  • Business degree with programming expertise (humble-brag inserted successfully). This means I can bridge the gap between dreamy owner ramblings and boring techie gibberish

Let's Do This!

Fuck yeah! First of all, you know it's getting serious now. I made this section "dark mode" which shows I'm hip & cool, but I want to get down to business at the same time.

You can use this widget below to schedule some time with me. In the future, we may talk via phone, video chat, text, email, carrier pigeons, I don’t know. But first, this is kind of a litmus test. Not trying to be a dick, but if you can’t use this little bit of tech, we’re probably not going to work well together anyway. You don’t need to be a fucking tech genius, but we gotta make sure you can at least use the inter webs.

Not Yet Convinced?

I probably can't fix that, then. But just in case, here's some more shit.

Do you provide a guarantee?
Yes and no. Yes, I do the best I can. I've never had anyone ask for their money back, but it's not out of the question. But, no, I can't guarantee anything because I don't know what kind of shit sandwich I'm getting into. But I promise to do the best I can and be open, honest and transparent with you. It's not in my nature to hide problems.
Can you stop fucking swearing?
Yup.
Will you?
Maybe.
How long will this take? I need to be done next week!
Cool man. Good luck! - But seriously, I'll do my best to give you a plan with sane timelines and measurable milestones. I can't tell you, even on our first call, how long it's going to take. Anyone who can is probably lying to you, those bastards. But, with me, there are no surprises. And no bullshit. I'm not going to tell you fake dates just to make you feel better today and then fuck your schedule tomorrow.
Can I get some references?
Yes. If you're serious, I'll hook you up with some happy campers of mine. I just don't like to blast out my client's information willy-nilly though. Imagine we finish a project together, I plaster your happy reference all over, and then millions of people start emailing you asking for a reference - would be annoying as fuck.
I've got more questions that you didn't answer here.
That sucks.
No, seriously.
Fill out the form below then, shit.

Now Are You Fucking Ready?

"Openings on my calendar are going fast!" he shouts, somewhat truthfully. But also because some marketing book somewhere said to show urgency or some shit.